Keep Holding On

Musings

2010-07-02T21:27:00.000-05:00

The second least original title for a random post of buckshot stream of consciousness besides "Scrambled Thoughts" is probably something like...Musings. Either way, I'm willing to attempt being creative even if I know I'm not being particularly original. I have been "musing" for the past few months on various things. I also started reading some books on re-entering your home culture. It's curious that we spend so much time preparing seriously to adapt and integrate into a foreign culture, especially if we plan to spend a substantial amount of time in this "foreign environment." However, once we've finally found a way to cope in our home culture again, we expect coming home to be a natural step in the process of traveling. But we really don't tend to look ahead and see how complicated and difficult a process this can be. I spent the entire Christmas break preparing to leave, preparing to fly alone, preparing to live in Asia, and preparing to do online classwork, but what I failed to prepare for was coming home to a culture that didn't stop changing when I left. What I didn't think about beforehand was the result of being a semester behind with all my Northland friends and atmosphere. I certainly didn't anticipate trying to explain and share an entire semester of my life with my parents who could not fathom the impact this semester had on my future ministry.

Some Scattered Traces of a Thought Life...

2009-02-20T21:59:00.004-06:00

It's so easy to get caught up in a daily routine, whether working a job, teaching a class, going to class, going to college, or basically doing anything. We humans are so comfortable and secure in our little schedules. As hobbits we "never go anywhere out of the ordinary or do anything unexpected." We get so tightly wound into our nests that to breach the perimeter and get out of our comfort zone, or even comfort routine is ludicrous to us. What could possibly be so comfortable that it makes us lose sight of the Gospel. That incredible gift that Jesus so freely gave us. What could lull us to sleep so efficiently that we care more about temporal conveniences than people who've never heard, some of those even numbered among our close friends and relatives? What tragedy is this? It seems we are faced with a dilemma and like most "good Christians" we fall into one of two ditches (as Dr. Olson would put it). We either isolate ourselves from the world so carefully and completely that our Biblical separation turns into hypocritical isolation or we delve headfirst into a swirling mass of subjective, existential possibility, so easily submerged in this world that we look just like the rest of the puddles of subjective truth lying all over the floor. Where is the line? Is it different for different people? These are questions that need answered, and yet not in a spirit of haughty condemnation of others, but in a spirit of love and truth. (Notice they are both required, one without the other will lead to more ditches...i.e. love without truth will lead to universalism and truth without love will lead Pharisaical legalism) Moving on...

The Bible holds a clear pattern of separation from evil. We are to flee youthful lusts, abstain from all appearance of evil, not be unequally yoked with unbelievers, and the list could go on eternally, but in the same 66 canon you see countless examples of commands to love your neighbor as yourself (does this mean only other Christians? methinks not...) We are told Jesus loved the world (greek word kosmos, I know). We are also told He gave His life for it (once again kosmos, please try to focus with me here...). He went so far as to give an entire parable (The Good Samaritan) on loving your "neighbor" and defining who that neighbor is.

So how do we reconcile the fact that the same God who said, "Love not the world neither the things that are in the world" and "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son..." This seems to be a paradox...to love the world or not to love, that is the question... Actually, it doesn't seem beyond understanding when context and authorial intent (yeah Biblical Hermeneutics) are considered. God doesn't want us to be infatuated with the trinkets this world is selling, but He does care infinitely more for the people trying to sell them. We are to love the world, and not love the world, in the same way that we are in the world, but not of the world. We are here physically, we are obviously human, but we are not enraptured with the cheap "happy meal toys" that come with indulging in the world's fast food philosophy. We hold out for that steak dinner. It takes longer, and it costs more in the scope of our lives, but ultimately the savory meat is preciously prepared by our loving Savior and is for our good. The question is, after stuffing ourselves full of greasy, instantly appearing Big Macs will we still have an appetite for the full-blown steak dinner that awaits us?

All that to say, I'm tired of being comfortable. I'm tired of coasting. The Christian life isn't made up of looking for opportunities to be persecuted, hurt, or afflicted, but it is going to be a rough ride. I want that passion. That fire that burns inside you until you feel like exploding with the joy of the Gospel to whomever you're near (whether saved or lost). There is an inexplicable joy that comes with presenting the Gospel, or assisting in it, or even reveling in its truth and power with another believer. There is power in truth. There is a quiet, understated, undervalued strength that exudes from a believer living in the Gospel. I don't feel like words do it justice, but it is the one goal worth constant pursuit. It is the joy that shines the brightest through the most tears. It is our glory, our passion, our hope. Jesus Christ died on a cross for my sin. For your sin. Does that excite you? How can we be so passive about such an aggressive truth? How can we live each day ignoring the truth? How can we but praise Him who has done so much on our behalf and continues to daily? Where is the passion? Where is the struggle? If our lives consist of what we're going to wear and what we're going to eat, we are in serious trouble. Rejoice in the Gospel. Rejoice in the fact that we have hope. We have truth. There is objective truth, and it does not require my belief to make it true. May God remind us daily of our need of Him so that we can remind the world of their need of Him.

Ok, the yelling is over, you can uncover your ears, sorry if it came out a bit strong, but it had to get out somehow...

Thoughts

2008-09-21T20:03:00.002-05:00

I don't really know where to begin. It's been well over a month since I last wrote. In that time God has miraculously brought me back to NBBC for another semester at least. The future beyond that is uncertain, but not foreboding because God is still in control. He knows better than I... I'm not really sure what prompted me to write tonight. I don't particularly feel like writing a bland update of pragmatic details, but I am also not sure I feel like going off on an abstract rant about some concept that just occurs to me. Maybe I'll try to hit a nice medium... I might just do a free-write to get my head focused. I worked the Sunday rotation today for Security (6-2). It was actually pretty enjoyable... As much as I wanted to go on extension, if I hadn't had an extension to miss, I would volunteer to do this every week. :) I got to work with Becca (Rebecca Jeffcott, aka Francesca). It was a semi-profitable day on both accouts. Although I finished no homework, I did get to read the Word in the early morning (6am - 8am) and then fellowship with my sister in Christ, and co-worker, Francesca. It was relaxing, because even though I was exhausted when I finally got out I got to go back and take a long nap. :) It was nice to not come out of a Sunday completely drained and ready for nothing. I'm done with my homework, and I'm going to bed earlier tonight. :) God is good, and He is truly AWESOME and worthy of praise. I think that's about all for now, nothing award-winning in this entry, but something to remind me of a good day. :)

Tesekkur ederim. Gule gule.

A Daily Triumph Song

2008-08-02T23:41:00.002-05:00

This week has been crazy...in more than one or two or even three ways. It seems every time I turn around there's something else going on and it's a big crisis. :) However, God is faithful and true every time something happens, and He handles it. I am beginning to understand more by the day the idea of peace not being the absence of trouble but a calm in the midst of the trouble. You can be at peace in the middle of a battleground (which is somewhat how my life feels right now ;). Peace is not determined by circumstances. The peace of God controls and has power over all my understanding, thoughts, opinions, ideas, etc. Everything needs to be under the control of that peace. When His peace controls me, I have no reason to worry all the time about things I can't change anyway. I think I'm finding that instead of controlling more of my life as I thought I would when I grew up, I'm learning how little of it I can control, and learning that better than I've ever known it.

I would not have picked a summer with all this in it, nor did I have any clue what I was coming home to on May 10th when we drove out of campus the last time. But even though it's already been hard, and in some spots very very difficult to deal with, it's the perfect time and place for God to use this to teach me more about Himself, and He's definitely doing that. Even in my jobs alone He's opened opportunities for me to be a light.

This is something I overheard the other day at one of my jobs and it's not to be proud of me or anything, just something very encouraging and convicting to remember heading out of the summer. I was in the other room and I heard my boss on the phone with another of the head people of the company. I wasn't trying to listen but a couple words came through clearly and made me stop in my tracks. All I heard were the words, "Anna" and "Bible." That made me smile. If the only thing they remember about me is that I believe the Bible and I do my job, what a chance for God to use later in their lives! Yeah they can forget me, they can forget I want to go to Turkey, they can forget my name. That's not important. I'm just a temp worker, and they'll probably be there, barring something drastic and unexpected, for years to come....but if they remember nothing else, if they remember that the girl working that summer loved the Bible and did a good job, that is enough to come out of the summer. Other people took missions trips or worked at camps, and those are amazing ministries, absolutely amazing, but I don't think you have to see 10 kids saved every week or witness to 5 people a day in a foreign language to have a summer ministry. My jobs have both been very obvious ministry opportunities. It's not a matter of simply giving them a tract or going throuh the plan in Romans, sometimes it takes consistant daily living. There's no better way to know someone really well than working with them. The forced interaction, the pressure situations, they show what a person is like, and the chance to work with people who don't know Christ, whose every other breath is spent cursing the Savior who gave them that breath, is simply incredible. I did get several chances to talk about Christ and salvation in particular this summer, but the biggest impact, I believe, has been just getting to live it out for them everyday. I'm not perfect obviously, and I have had times where I wanted to bite my tongue after I said something, but God has used even a broken vessel like me to pour out His living water. The more broken I am, the more places He can let His water flow through. It's the times when I think I'm all together, that nothing gets out.

It's not a major campaign at a church, or a promotion for Sunday School. It's a silent, everyday persistance. In a way, it's a daily triumph song. Everyday there is victory in that God's presence is there and seen in some cases. Letting Him live through you is the most effective witness and it keeps you focused on the right goal and target.

So live that daily triumph song. It's unlike anything the world can offer, and they know it.

One Day...

2008-07-28T22:50:00.003-05:00

Most people live their lives wishing for the next thing. Let's finish this day up so we can get to something more fun happening tomorrow. They don't give much thought to the everyday, they have bigger goals and plans, but don't really consider the minute by minute breakday of each 24 hour period...after all what difference can one day make? One day. 24 hours. 1,440 minutes. 86,400 seconds. What could possibly happen in that short amount of time? A lot. What could be accomplished in that amount of time? Quite a bit. What usually gets accomplished? Not much.Dates on a calendar are funny things in my opinion. I remember competing in fine arts for school as an elementary student. The day of "spring meet" was always huge to the school. The select few students (those who either got forced or were actually crazy enough to want to learn something and perform it in Chicago for strangers) got to miss school, leave early in the morning, and even spend the night in a hotel in Chicago! Oh boy. I remember being on those trips the morning of, I remember watching traffic around us, watching people walking down the street thinking to those people this is just another ordinary day...but to us? This date has been the focus of an entire year of preparation and practice. This day has been mentioned hundreds of times, written on who knows how many calendars, and thought about at least a minute of everyday for the past months...this day seems super important, or you could say that about many events, people's weddings, birthdays, engagements, any day that really sticks out as a special day, maybe for kids it's the first day of school (only when you're really young or really old) or the day you go to camp the first time. Whatever it is, there are single days that are points in time we hold up as important or special, or just plain fun. Seeing a friend you haven't spent time with in years, seeing family that live far away, whatever it is, we know that feeling. The expectant hopeful waiting of someone who believes it will happen. There are also days that one looks forward to with dread and anxiety. The first day of school seems to be in either category depending on who you are ;). There are days that you think about their coming and you shrink in fear at the very knowledge. Funerals might seem this way, dreadful to the family members who don't want a last goodbye. They don't want it to be real. Saying goodbye to friends and loved ones when you leave to go far away and maybe never come back. Goodbyes are not generally easy or pleasant, they tend to leave holes you find it hard to fill up. Days of great trials such as letting go of loved ones who die, or the last day of a job you love, surgeries, medical tests, college exams, these are things that we know are coming and we cringe thinking about. All those things...they happen in a day. One day. That's it. One day changes a life, changes a nation, a world perhaps. One day, that same period of 24 hours.Another thing that strikes me is the matter of time when considered with God. What does He see in one day? He sees children of His so full of absolute joy and happiness they can't stop beaming. The sight of a newborn baby, or a newly wed couple, a sunset, a job interview ending in success, the first day of your first year of college, days when His children see the sun in its fullness of awe and it takes away their breath, but He also sees at the exact same time, a child who loses a parent, His children who are suffering, His saints who are persecuted, He sees the overwhelmed ones, He sees the weak and the hurting. He sees them all at the same time. He weeps with the ones who cry, He rejoices with the ones who are blessed. One day at a time, He sees it all. He bears our pain and our joy, at the same time He bears others up. One day sees a lot of pain and joy and strength from Him. Isn't that amazing? One day, that's all it takes. In one day the world changes in major ways through individual people's lives. The days that see our darkest hours, hold the greatest joy in another's life, and the times when we are absolutely the happiest, there is sorrow for many. Don't dread the hard days, they will come and then they will go. They don't last forever, but they do come. Don't spend the hard days waiting for the enjoyable ones. Each day has a specific role in your life, and it's like a sentence, each word must be in exactly the right order to make sense, or the message is lost. Live in Christ with each day you're given, and don't forget the hurting brothers and sisters in Christ when your day seems easy. So much happens in a day, that's it's easily lost by the way, but one day makes a world of difference. A day is just 24 hours, and it's quickly spent. What matters is how you spend it.

Scrambled Thoughts - Sunnyside up?

2008-07-28T22:45:00.004-05:00

This week has been a bit confusing, a lot exhausting, and quite a bit frustrating, with a smidgen of overwhelmingness...if that's even a word, which I'm guessing isn't, but hey, it's facebook, who uses spellcheck or a thesaurus? Mixed together at the right temperature and left to sit for long enough, this combination can either break you completely apart and leave you devastated in a huge pity party that envelopes everything and alienates you from civilization, OR... it can drive you to the throne of Almighty God who is willing to carry you through it. Thank the Lord it resulted in the latter one...at least this time. He's done amazing things before, and today was no exception. The week has seen a lot of ups and downs and they've been very drastic and unexpected. You know what? God has been there the entire time ready for everything as it happens. He's known ahead of time and seen fit to let my path intersect with others I needed to talk to at just the right moment. He also made sure that I couldn't talk at other times when I really didn't need it. Nothing happens without a purpose, and no purpose of His is malicious towards us as His children. His will towards us is loving and kind. Merciful and gracious. He not only has spared us from things we deserve, He has also provided things we didn't deserve at all.I don't know where I'm headed with this note, I don't have a theme or object lesson or even a plan. I just needed to write and to think about God and what He's done. I used to wonder how Israel could forget the massive miracles God did for them then I realized that it's easy to forget God and His incredible works, if we don't choose to remember and think about it. If you ignore it long enough you can convince yourself to take things for granted. Just by being careless you can forget what He has done. I want to remember. I know to know. Always Remember, Never Forget. That's a great theme, always remember His goodness, never forget His grace. Always remember His mercy, never forget His grace. I get tired a lot, and I get discouraged, and I get fed up and frustrated, but none of this changes where I am, and what circumstances God is working in for my benefit. I was chatting in german a bit earlier and it reminded me of a German lullaby I learned a long time ago. It seems to fit very well, and it's what I need. I wrote it in German first and then the English translation best I can remember. I hope it's encouraging to you.

Schlaf, Kindlein, Schlaf

Schlaf, kindlein, schlaf
Der vater hut die schaf
Die muter schutelts baumalein
Defalt herab ein traumelein
Schlaf, kindlein, schlaf

Sleep, Children, Sleep

Sleep, children, sleep
The father guards the sheep.
The mother shakes the dreamland tree,
And from it fall sweet dreams for thee.
Sleep, children, sleep.

Writing in the dirt - Thoughts from a Scrapper pt. 1

2008-07-28T22:38:00.003-05:00

Well, this might turn into a series from the scrapyard, but I don't know, either way this is the first even if it ends up being the last as well.This morning i woke up from a startling amount of sleep the night before. I think I slept from 5pm - 10pm and then 11:30 to 6am...I seriously didn't do much last night besides sleep, which was great, just very disorienting. Anyway, I woke up on time (unusual again) and headed out the door to get to work hopefully on time. Getting into the driver's door I noticed the massive amount of dust and dirt on the long door window of our minivan. What caught my attention, however, was not the dirt but the foul swear words written by somebody's finger during the night. It had about every swear word you can imagine directed at me and was enough to make me stop and just stare at it for a few seconds before grabbing a bottle of water from the van and a tissue and trying to clean it off the best i could. However, even after a desperate wipe down it was still faintly visible because it had been done with finger which as we know has oil in it and won't just wash off right away. So, thinking about it a little more, I looked down and knew I had just the thing...a finger of my own. Thank God for verses that really are something to lean on when you feel your feet wavering. Without even thinking twice of what I wanted to write I started writing over the spot where the trace of swear words was. I came out with "God is good. Psalm 16:9-11" in two lines completely covering the trace of profanity. It almost startled me when I read what I had written, but those are the verses that have especially been comforting me this past week. A few minutes later and definitely not early to work anymore, but hopefully not too late, I drove to the scrapyard, and the whole time I was driving, the sight of the words and the whole incident just kept coming to mind. It was kind of discouraging. It made me wonder why somebody would do that? Was it just random? Why did I even care that much? But it also reminded me of a lesson, however simple it might be. As Christians we are told to be salt and light to the world and to live uprightly and above reproach...but do you ever stop and question why? Why does it matter if my life is pure and spotless or stained and filthy from the grime of the world? Who really cares? The world sins anyway, what's the matter? Well, think about it. If we are like windows, the more dirt and grime built up on the window, the easier it is for people to point their fingers at us and write filthy words on us. The dirtier our reputations get and the more we allow in us, the easier it is for them to look at us and laugh because we share their filth. Spending time in the world is like leaving my minivan in a scrapyard everyday all day. It ends up blowing all that filth and dust from the yard onto the van. The world's filth can get on us if we're not washed well in the Word, and waxed and sealed unto the day of Redemption by the protection of God. If we aren't sealed off against that, all that dust and filth is going to stick... but if we are protected from it, it might blow against us, but at the end of the day none of it will stick, the accusations won't stick, the corruption of the world will fall away, and we'll drive out clean as ever, leaving all the dust behind. But the longer we leave dirt and dust on a vehicle, the harder it sticks and sets in. How different do you think it is for a child of God? Not much. The more dirt on our windows the easier it is for the world to write evil and wicked things on it. The easier it is for them to defame the name of our Lord because we claim to be His children and we live like they do. Just for the record, after work the idea kept hitting me that I was almost grateful someone had written those words on the car, not because I wanted to be sworn at repeatedly, but because it gave God a chance to remind me of how even unpleasant things can be used to give way to encouragement. Those words weren't happy, but the words that i wrote almost subconsciously were very encouraging. At home today after work I wrote it again on the back, in the new dirt that had piled on while I was working there today. That's not the same window, but it's a nice visual :). It's also now the background pic on my phone.

So that's a lot to say what? Don't live like the world, be IN the world, but when you drive out don't bring it with you. Keep yourself washed in the Word constantly and sealed and protected from the dust that will blow your way. It's hard to live in the world and not be exposed to filth and sin, but it's not impossible to come out clean. It's no sin to have a dirty car window, but if that window were bright and clean they'd have no dirt to write those horrible words in would they? Our lives are so much more precious and dear than car windows, but the lesson stands as is. Don't let dirt pile up on your life. Don't give them the dirt to write in. Be a shining example in your scrapyard and let Christ's life shine through you, because you might be the only "clean car" they ever see.

Drops of Comfort

2008-07-28T22:32:00.002-05:00

I am finding more and more that only the stressful or stretching times of my life are well documented on facebook. When things are great i get on to check for messages or wall posts, but when things get tough i think i write more notes than normal for no other reason than the need to hear myself what i am writing to everyone else. That said, this week has been trying in ways I thought wouldn't come up again. Things buried can rise without a minute's warning and suddenly you're facing the past in bright vivid colour. I am also finding though, that I learn the most from the times that are well documented on facebook notes. Those are the lessons that count, that leave impressions, that actually teach me something I can use. This week in particular I am learning in various ways, to trust my God and rest in His promises. This isn't as easy as it sounds, and sometimes seems impossible, but it is well worth the trouble. God has been in the process of showing me very clearly how well He has set out things for my life. He doesn't always show me why, or how something will be accomplished, but He's giving me enough information on a "need to know" basis. All I need to know right now is that He is faithful and true and will never leave me nor forsake me. Nothing I face, I face alone. Nothing I can do is anything without Him. This is basic, yet sadly I forget a lot. But even in the hard times, there are tiny spots throughout the day where He does something really amazing, the bad part is we can get so busy hurting we forget to see the beauty in it. Little tiny miniscule parts to each day that we wouldnt' even notice on a normal day, can be huge when that is the highlight of everything. If you get in a car accident where you total the car, but you walk out alive, you are very glad to be alive. Most people don't just go through each day very glad to be alive, and most would be pretty upset at losing their car, but in that context it seems natural to be grateful it wasn't worse. THis isn't entirely the idea of what I'm saying, but it's similar. When God gives us something that really takes the steam out of us, and hands us tiny drops of comfort along the way, we must take great care to be aware of those drops of comfort. The smallest thing can be very encouraging. It doesn't have to be huge or supernatural, or even out of the ordinary, but our God knows what we need, and sometimes, He knows exactly what kind of thing seems tiny to the ordinary perspective, but is huge in our minds. Those are the moments, those are the times. We shouldnt' try to see it like anyone else would and minimize it. We should realize how precious it is. A drop of comfort directly from the hand of our Father. He collects each tear in a bottle, do you think He misses the events that cause those tears? Not a chance. Nothing escapes Him, and nothing is beyond His power or attention. It should make us drop to our knees just realizing that He cares enough to throw in tiny bits of encouragement along the way. Sometimes that is all it takes to keep me from going over the edge into self pity and doubt and worrying about what happens next. Sometimes, I can get so worried about my own life and the things that happen to me that I forget the big picture, and it's easy to give up with that kind of attitude. But I have to get back to realizing that He designs each day with the sole purpose of making us more like Him. Hard days aren't random or accidental.So when you have hard days, and I don't mean you burnt your toast and you were late for work, I mean days that tear you apart from the inside out. I mean days that leave you gasping for breath from shock and anguish and leave you numb with fear and pain. Hard days. Days that anybody else looks at and says, "where is your God now?" When you have those kind of days that seem ready to break you, that's when you have to stand up and see the little things God has strategically placed in your path. That's when you have to fight, yes fight, to rest in His promises and see the drops of comfort He's set. Showers of blessing are amazing, but in the middle of a drought, sometimes all you need are a few drops of comfort.

Uncertainties

2008-07-28T22:20:00.004-05:00

Life is full of things we can't control. One person in a world this size...there are bound to be events happening that we have no power over. A secular mindset might prompt you to look deep inside yourself for courage and strength. Honestly, no offense to whoever thought that up, but it doesn't work. I can sit around all day and try to make myself stronger and more courageous and think i'm a great strong person, but at the end of the day, i'm just distracting myself from the truth and depending on myself. People will let you down...and guess what, i'm a people. This is nothing new, but sometimes it takes reminding. There is only one answer that really truly does have the power to give you peace, joy, even in harshest circumstances. God has given us trials in our lives, not to punish us necessarily, but to make us stronger. Is uncertainty a trial? Definitely. Not knowing where you are headed, not knowing how things will go, not understanding why things happen, these are all parts of growing up. They are hard. Growing up is hard. Just because something is a "natural" part of life doesn't make it easy. Pain is natural as well, is that pleasant? no. But necessary? absolutely. We take the pain and the joy. Both are from God and both are good. More than that, we can have joy in the midst of pain.Only a few things in life have really shaken me. Only a few, certainly many have annoyed, or angered me, but that was always temporary or even sometimes unnecessary. The few really earth shaking things that i have seen in this short life so far should not serve to make me lose my footing. Though the earth shakes to its core why should that shatter me? Am I standing on Christ's firm foundation or the shaky temporal sand of today's world? Nothing in life is certain, except Christ (and for the few who can appreciate this, death and taxes). So while life seems crushing at times, remember you're only as strong as your connection with the Sustainer. Things, time, and people will all come and go, but He remains forever. Uncertain about something? Join the club. It's ok to hurt. It's ok to cry. But don't let that paralyze you. Take it to Him. Trust Him with it, and rest well. Let Him hold you. Let Him walk you through the really rough things that overwhelm you. Let them drive you to your knees before His feet. Hold nothing back, and you'll have nothing left to lose. If He holds it all it is not lost. This kind of reminds me of a Robert Frost poem we studied in speech last year. Nothing gold can stay. It has a slightly different focus, but the principle remains the same. Nothing perfect remains, but at the same time, nothing that you hold on to is safe. Nothing you give to God is lost. He doesn't lose things or people. So trust Him, and hold on tight. This is going to be the ride of your life...

Thoughts from a "scrap"per...

2008-07-09T23:02:00.002-05:00

Well, it's not a great title, but it works i guess. For those of you who don't get it, one of my jobs this summer is in a scrapyard scale office. You walk outside and you're literally covered in dust or dirt and surrounded by cranes and semis and trucks full of scrap metal. :) It's filthy, but kind of exciting at the same time. While it's a fascinating line of work, it's not the topic of the brief blog entry. I'm actually just wanting to say something that's on my mind right now after the various discussions i've had with people today. I just want to say, it's worth it. The sweat, the blood, the dust, the fatigue, the pain, the tears, the fight, the whole bloomin' mess. It's definitely worth it. I've had people ask if it's really worth it to work 75 hours a week just to get back to school, and you know my answer everytime? I don't care if I have to get dirty, or tired, or work in the middle of truckers, and bums, and crackheads, or what else comes along. God's given me these jobs specifically for a reason. He's given me the chance to get back to school this year. I know that this summer has been difficult and will continue to get harder as steak n shake raises my hours per week, but i want to yell from the highest mountaintops, it's worth it! Even on the thursday nights when i get home no earlier than midnight from a nearly 18 hour day, it's worth it. even when all 6 hours of my spare time out of a 24 hour period are over before i wake up, it's still worth it. Ephesians says, "having done all, to stand..." when this summer is over, whether i'm there or not, i want to know i have done all and still stood firm and tall.

trusting...praying...waiting

2008-06-02T18:50:00.004-05:00

Why is it so hard to trust and so easy to wonder? Why is it so natural to worry? Why doesn't anything seem to teach me that I can trust God even when things look hard? Why didn't I qualify for the stupid pell grant... There is so much I don't understand...things I wonder if I will ever understand, or if they'll just be permanent mysteries for me. I wonder why God would give me such a desire to be back at school and preparing to go to Turkey, and then not provide the means? Why would He give me a heart and desire to learn about Him at NBBC and then keep me in Danville for so what feels like eternity? At the same time, I know already. I know He has plans for me wherever I am. I know that He has a purpose in keeping me broke all the time and in debt most of the time. I know He has plans for me. I know He has a goal in my life. I know He could just drop money in my lap tomorrow and pay off all of last semester and next year. I've heard of it happening, and yet somehow, I don't feel like it's ever going to happen to me. I've had small gifts of checks for 10 bucks every once in a while, and I've had people praying and supporting me through that, but every major chunk of money that God provides for my school bill so far has been through working long days and longer nights for low paying jobs that are physically taxing. Is there anything wrong with that? no. Is that less miraculous than having someone anonymously donate enough to let me go to school and sleep too? no. I don't believe so. I believe especially after last summer's fiasco with finding a decent steady job, that any job I have received has been a miracle straight from the hand of God. Honestly, it's not nearly as exciting or inspiring to make less than you hoped working harder than you expected. It's a lot more exciting to be able to stand up in a Monday chapel at school the first week back and tell how God blessed you so much that while you worked at a camp this summer and made next to nothing, your whole bill was paid for and more besides. That would be a lot more exciting and pretty and great to put on promotional material for the school about God's provision, but you know what? Christianity is very rarely neat, cleanly within the lines, and tied up in a pretty package. As my uncle has said, "Christianity is messy...it gets on your shirt..." (not literally he was making a point). Sometimes you have to get your hands dirty, but it doesn't lessen God's impact over your finances. I realized today that there is a good possibility I will not be returning to Northland this upcoming fall. I filled out the FAFSA for the Pell Grant, and it said that my expected family contribution is too high and i don't qualify...that hurt. I trust God to provide for my bill, and that still hurt a whole lot. This doesn't change what I know about God or life or work. It frustrates my plans (which is why it's not always good to have your own plans when God is just going to change them anyway, but that's beside the point). It takes away a good portion of money I wasn't necessarily counting on, but definitely was hoping for. But at the end of the day (and the middle too) God is still God, and God is still good. He is just as good as if He had miraculously provided $12,000 out of nowhere for tuition. He is so good that He is the one I run too with this disappointment. It may seem like it comes from Him, but I'm not fighting the decision. I'm not saying God you are unjust, or you should have given me what I wanted. I'm desperately falling before Him saying I know You are right. I know You are in control, and I know I need you. Please comfort me, I accept Your will as superior and I want what You want, but please make me want what You have for me. I do believe but help my unbelief. I want to be strong in Your might, I know this is right, but it still hurts, Father. It still seems a might blow against my flimsy ship. Help me to hold on. I need to hold on to truth, to faith, to Your neverending source of strength. I am so weak, and things like this just remind me that I am weak. This is where everything forces you to fall on Christ and let Him hold you up as you stand in His strength. you trust Him, even when it seems on the outside that He is causing this to hurt you on purpose (He's not, it's for your good). You pray even when it seems like He doesn't want to hear what you have to say (He does, He's waiting to hear from you). And you wait even when it looks like nothing good will ever happen (It will...and actually it already is, you're just looking at it upside down, wait and ask God to turn you upside down so you can see it clearly and appreciate how privileged you are to have Him working in your life like this). This is my battle cry, as my Father sends me to the front lines (even though He is the one doing the fighting). This is my cry to my brothers and sisters around me...and the cry you hear coming from His lips too....keep trusting, there is a reason in this even now...keep praying, your Father wants to store your every tear in a bottle and hear every cry that escapes your torn heart...and keep waiting, in the end you will see how Awesome the plans your Father has been working in your struggles. that is all for now, i am tired. i do believe i shall depart thence from whither i have comest.

Light the Torch

2008-05-24T13:54:00.002-05:00

"Oh the promise of the next generation, i can't wait for this generation to pass the torch to the next and just to watch what they do with it. It's sure to be amazing..." This seems to be the prevalent mindset in today's culture. Our adults are doing such a great job saving the environment, protecting animals, and raising the next generation of leaders...tomorrow's adults as they can affectionately be called (note that nickname is only acceptable when used in the appropriate affectionate manner ;). So, going to a graduation can either make you sick to your stomach or really uplifted and encouraged. I think more often than not, it's making us feel good about ourselves when it should make us sick to our stomachs. People aren't getting better. This world is not getting saved by the environmentalists, or the animal lovers, or anybody else. Children are at face value a picture of their home. No, a child's future is not solely determined by his or her parents' choices, but there is something to be said for homes that turn out Christians passionately dedicated to the cause of Christ. Those are rare these days. People who actually care more about God and the Gospel than their own amusement and comfort are priceless. They can't be measured, sold, or set on clearance. They aren't the dime-a-dozen you find in today's schools, churches, and just society in general. They are real people serving a real God who know what the purpose is and know the price. What kind of children are growing up in our homes today where missions is ok to give some money to when they have a good presentation, but as far as being one yourself or approving of your own child going to a foreign country...how often is that happening? How many people are surrendering their lives to God in middle age and realizing they're supposed to be serving on a foreign field. How many people are dying young because they gave everything to Christ and died to proclaim His name with their last breath? How many martyrs are being born in America today? How many Christians are even ready or willing to die for the cause of Christ? More importantly, how many Christians are willing to live for Christ? Not many. Because we've become lazy and spoiled, we're breeding a younger generation slightly more lazy and slightly more spoiled than ourselves. How does this translate into "passing the torch"? It is fleshed out into parents who care until it gets uncomfortable and children who care until it's not amusing. This generation isn't passing on a torch that's burning bright, it's passing on a torch dusty and molded from years of comfort and settled down Christianity. Where there's fire, they say there's smoke, well there's also heat. In some instances, fire will mean burns. Where are the burns on our hands from the burning passion of the cross? Where are the scars from spreading the Gospel? We can't afford to be comfortable with who we are and who we are training our children to be. We shouldn't be settled and comfortable on earth, because we are not made to dwell here. We are citizens of a far better country, and as such our behavior should scream that from our very daily actions. Don't life your life half heartedly and then expect your children to pick up the Bible and run with it to the ends of the earth. If you want children who are on fire for God, then live a life that shows them what it looks like...and pray for them. Don't just wait for them to accidentally turn out right. This generation has to light the torch it's holding and burn away the dust and cobwebs before it can possibly pass it to the next generation. Burn brightly for Christ, even when it hurts...especially when it hurts. When it hurts you are getting a chance to burn the brightest.

Spiritual Amnesia

2008-05-15T22:08:00.003-05:00

Why do we ask, plead, and even beg, at times, for something when we pray...then God gives it to us, and suddenly we don't know how we're going to manage...like we forgot that we just asked fro something amazing and impossible and God just did it for us? Do you ever wonder if God smiles and shakes His head when we beg for something and then get it and don't know how to handle it? I can think of one particular example of this which I am very familiar with at this point in my life. I spent a good deal of this past semester and even last summer begging God for one or two decent jobs. I thought why can't I find a job? Well, God answered in doubles. He gave me two jobs complete with all the hours I can handle (or even perhaps more than I can handle that is yet to be determined). The point is, why, after begging for a job, do I suddenly feel overwhelmed at getting all the hours I was hoping for? It makes me think of amnesia. What do we consider amnesia, forgetting important obvious details...sometimes your name, maybe even your personality, or background, history, basic skills, whatever else is affected by it. It's a scary prospect to not remember your name, heritage, history, life, family, anything. You'd probably feel pretty powerless in that state. Similarly we all seem to have periods of our life where we go through Spiritual amnesia. Even though we have a wonderful Christian life, our God has done amazing things, and we have access to the power Who spoke creation into existence, we seem to "forget" that sometimes. No wonder we feel powerless and exhausted and ready to give up. We have forgotten everything that we need to keep firm and steady and unshaken. God is our security. Christ is our foundation. When you forget things like this, you're likely to be shaken by the wind. You're likely to fall apart when things go crazy. The only way to have the spiritual power we need is to remember who we are in Christ and where we have come from. With a correct perspective of our sin and our desperate plight, our salvation through Christ's blood, and our forgiveness from God we can keep on holding on. Nothing can stop us, because literally "greater is the One in you than the one in the world..." We have the spiritual power, we just need to keep our memories... REMEMBER where we've been and where we are headed.

Where to begin?

2008-05-14T22:04:00.002-05:00

How can I even begin to explain what God's been doing in my life this past year at school? It's too incredible for words, yet at the same time it's too amazing to not try at least partially explaining to others around me. God has slowly but surely given me a glimpse of what I consider to be the most fantastic calling in the entire world (but then I'd have to think that if that's what I'm supposed to be doing...). God, through missions conference and even before that, has been leading me and directing me towards Bible translation. How cool is that? Not that you find many little girls and boys in kindergarten saying "I wanna be a Bible translator when I grow up..." but really, if you think about it, I can't imagine doing anything else (well, I can, but nothing would interest me more). God's put the Turkmen people on my heart. They don't have a Bible in their own language, and it's the most closed of all the middle eastern "stan" countries. It's so closed there are numerous difficulties to face when trying to get Bibles into a country like that, even supposing you get a decent translation. It's mind-boggling and even overwhelming just for me to imagine doing something of this nature, but at the same time, there is nothing else that even sounds appealing at this point. I want to go. I have to go. I need to go. There was a song we sang at Missions Conference this year...I Will Go. That's it in a nutshell. It's my new favourite song. :)

One thing in particular that was even exciting just today, I was sitting in the Wed. night service, and the pastor mentioned something from Matthew 9:38. He was mentioning the passage that talks about praying to the Lord of the harvest to send forth labourers into the fields. The awesome part of that was that I had my Greek New Testament with me and I looked at the word for send. It was from (ekballw) ekballo which doesn't really look like that, but I'm restricted by Engish fonts at the moment. The word ekballw means I am throwing out or casting out and can even carry the idea of banishing. Think about that in the context of the verse. This isn't a gentle spreading of seeds with dainty little tosses into the wind. This is a very intense emphatic casting forth to the uttermost part of the earth. This is dramatic and bold and daring and an absolute thrust forward. That changes the visualization of the verse (at least for me). This supports the extreme view of no reserve, no retreat, no regrets. This supports a "Go at all costs" mentality. We have the Divine Authority of Jesus Himself to GO. In most countries you need authorization to enter the country if you're not a citizen. We have a Spiritual Authorization to be on any country, culture, or people group on this planet. The question is, do you have Spiritual Authorization to stay home? If so, then bully for you. You have an amazing opportunity, but make sure you've checked your Spiritual marching orders. If your Spiritual Visa says Mongolia, don't try to drag your feet and stay in the States. Serve where you are, but make sure your location matches your Spiritual paperwork... this is only the beginning, I'll try to cover more later.

I will go where there are no easy roads, leave the comfort that I know. I will go and let this journey be my home, I will go. I will go...

2008-04-12T19:15:00.002-05:00

This past week has been missions conference at Northland, and needless to say it has been amazing! God has used it in so many people's lives that I've talked to, besides all the people that I haven't run across recently. Getting a chance to meet all these missionaries and hear about their different works across the world was amazing. I even got to meet with Tim and Luda S. They were really encouraging to talk to. I asked several detailed questions about translation and field stuff. I also met Dr. McQueary who had just arrived from Tennessee and was also able to answer some questions.

Due to some security issues I will be unable to give detailed recounts of our conversations, but God has really used it in my life. I am pretty sure at this point that He wants me in the middle east doing Bible translation, where it is the thinnest right now.

That's unfortunately all the time i have for now, but I shall attempt to update this further soon.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Livin' in the Big Time

2008-04-06T13:25:00.003-05:00

This is actually a flashback to a Facebook note I wrote back in June, but I was looking through them just now and felt like preserving it somewhere that my friends who don't have facebook could check. :) So without further ado...

Livin' In the Big Time...

There's a song by Big 'n Rich called "Big Time." It's about a singer who's singing/playing for tips in a bar, and the whole song is about this singer isn't worried about money or materialistic things, because all that matters to the musician is music. He is "living in the big time" in his own way. All he cares about is playing/singing his music for people to hear. Well, I don't have all the money in the world, and according to human standards, I'm pretty much an average (pre)college kid with no money and no spare time. There are no limos parked outside my house, there is no pool in the backyard, and my bank account is not heaping millions in interest alone. If you ask anybody on the street, they'd probably take one look at me and say, "eh, she's doing ok, but she's not making it big or anything." Well, I might not have an entourage everywhere I go, and I might not have thousands of people on my myspace friends list, and I won't even have a car at college in the fall...BUT I can honestly say I am lacking NOTHING. I don't want to get consumed with stuff. I don't want to worry constantly about money.
Like that musician, who only thinks about his music, I want to be so focused with serving my God, that nothing else matters, because honestly, nothing else really does. Humans (yes, myself included) get so petty all the time. He is so much more important than everything we absorb ourselves in. He is so much bigger than all of it. It's awesome to just stop and focus on God, because then you see nothing else.

So, when I am walking with my Father, and not concerned with the things on this earth, "in my simple way, guess you could say I'm livin' in the big time..."

"I Could Not See to See"

2008-04-01T11:23:00.002-05:00

I recently studied the poem "I Heard a Fly Buzz When I Died" by Emily Dickinson in Intro to Literature class. Although I'm not normally an Emily Dickinson fan because she tends to be morbid and just plain odd, I was particularly drawn to the last line. As the character watches this fly buzzing around, suddenly it all stops and she says, "I could not see to see." In analyzing the usage of the word see, it's interesting because the first see refers to the capacity to process things in your brain. She couldn't think or couldn't understand what was going on. She was in a mental fog. The second see then refers to actually physically seeing. She couldn't think to see and understand what she was seeing. She was so close to death and so tired and so exhausted that she couldn't even see. How often have I been so tired, so exhausted, so drained emotionally, so spiritually dead, so completely helpless that I "couldn't see to pray"? Or perhaps I get so dead in my faith I can't even see to cry out for help from God, my source of strength and help. I have found sometimes the days I need help, are the days when God seems closest, like He knows how close I am to slipping off the edge and He's carefully holding everything in balance to keep me on my feet, but other days, when I need Him the most are the days I feel so numb and tired that I can't even pray for myself. The good thing is that Christ knows our weaknesses. He is so compassionate that He prays for us to God. The Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groanings that can't be uttered. How special is that? When we need help the most and are so exhausted, so dead, so tired that we can't "see to see" that's when God is seen at His best. He is that good all the time, but it's only in the crucial moments that we actually see it. That is a powerful God. That is a loving Father. That is an incredible Savior. And THAT is my God. :)

Day of Prayer

2008-03-28T08:42:00.002-05:00

Well, I don't have much time, but yesterday was the Day of Prayer for spring semester, and I couldn't just not post anything on it. It was so incredible and uplifting that I needed to acknowledge it, even if only a short post to be followed up later by a longer more in-depth account. There was a great emphasis on missions, which was encouraging and got me very ready for Missions Conference (also coming up soon). God used a lot of the personal reflection times to convict me of things I need to give up to Him in my life. He also showed me His great love and forgiveness of sin. It's amazing how little we know our God Who is so great and powerful.

I thought of something this morning as I was getting a drink from the water fountain in the FC. The Bible compares God to the living Water, and that is a perfect illustration. We sometimes might think that water is boring and not tasty, but water is the only perfect drink which we need to survive. We think that we can replace it with our man made substitutes like pop (or soda i suppose) or fruit drinks or whatever kind of sugary replacements, but in reality the only thing that will quench our thirst, keep us healthy, and actually keep us alive over long periods of time is water. I guess you could say that good extra influences on us would be like juice and milk. It's good and we are helped even more if we use them as supplements to the water, but water has to be the foundation of our drink. Water sustains our life, and we think we can get away with just drinking a bare minimum of water, but it makes us weak and sick and unable to do our work properly. Go to the source! Go to the original! Drink water! Soak yourselves in God's living Water which never runs dry. He is the Living Water and anyone who drinks that Water will never thirst again. It is perfect, clear, cold, and bright. Nothing compares, and anything else is a faulty replacement for the truth. Don't push the water out of your life in search of something better, because nothing will quench your thirst better. (NOTE: I did not write this to say I'm giving up vault, just to realize the power of the illustration used in the Bible and yes I realize I need to drink more water...) :)

The Accident (What happened and What God's doing with it)

2008-03-11T16:29:00.002-05:00

Here's an excerpt on the accident that I posted on myspace but also wanted to include here for the record.

God's most recent and most dramatic protection came in the form of a car accident last Sunday night coming back from Faith in Pembine. We were in the church van on Holmes Junction Rd. which is an awful place to be when it's icy which is 9 months out of the year... We got to a hill where there were at least three cars in a row stopped. There we saw the other church van sitting in the snowbank facing the wrong way on the right hand of the road...we wondered how they managed to get there. After some pushing and effort, they got that van back on the road backed up the hill turned around and on their way. However, this left several cars stuck on the hill with no traction and our van behind them. After some manuevering, we got our van all the way against the left lane snowbank to get out of their way, and one by one they backed down the hill turned around and went another way. Our van stayed in that left lane watching everything and hopping in and out to tell different cars where to go or help direct, and there was one last car that had to get up that hill because they lived at the top. They started up, with us praying and hoping that they wouldn't slide back down sideways and hit us. We tried blending into the side of the hill. They got stuck about halfway up. We waited, wondering what to do for them, and out of nowhere another car came over the hill from the opposite side going a good 40mph. They saw us once they hit the top, but it was too late to stop. We all grabbed the seats and held on knowing they would hit us. They tried to hit the snowbank instead of us, but the ice made them spin all the way around and they still ended up smashing into the front of our van.

That graphic version aside, God was incredibly awesome in that whole situation. Even besides looking at the awesome protection of God making sure that all those other cars were gone before they came over that hill, just the fact that we did get hit and nobody in our van had to go to the hospital, or even got anything but sore. The man in the other car hit his head, but he could have been hurt a lot worse had it been the head on collision we were starting to envision as we saw him hurtling down the hill. God has also done wonders in using this situation to encourage some of my friends who are waking up to the realization that they need Him and even prompt them to encourage their friends. God has shown Himself powerful in this, and looking back I wouldn't trade it in for anything. Everything there was in His plan and is being used to grow me closer to Him.

Working together for Good

2008-03-09T20:58:00.002-05:00

Romans 8:28 - "All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." (KJV)

This verse has been the traditional pat response to crisis, hard times, and struggle for quite a while. Whenever people face something really hard, instead of sitting down and going through this awesome passage, we toss this reference at them and perhaps even quote it from memory. It is an incredible verse, but too often we apply it incorrectly and it's nothing more than a vague distant hope.

What's our first reaction to hearing that in the future there is a distant hope of lots of neutral or negative circumstances will magically turn into good things? Does that even sound believable? Even if it is does it sound like something you want to blindly wait for?

Our God is not the God of a vague distant hope. He doesn't leave us in the lurch to "figure this out." He doesn't expect us to learn something without giving us the strength and guidance to learn it. He's not sitting up at the finish line waiting to explain everything we went through. Some things we might never know the reasons behind, but God isn't way up in the distance waiting for us, encouraging from a distance. He's right there beside us, pushing us to go just a little bit farther so we'll go over the edge of our strength and depend solely on Him.

The word for "work together" in the greek is in the present tense, which according to my first year greek should be translated linear. This would more accurately translate into "are working together" for that verb. That would imply that not only will things work out in the end for your good, but they are currently working for your good right now. God isn't going to pull things together at the last minute to make the end result good. He's had a plan all along and He has a plan currently. Also, the word for "are working together" could also go with "cooperate with" or "help." That gives the impression of all these things in our lives are cooperating with or helping along God's plan for making us more like Him. It's not like a movie where things look dark until the last few minutes where the hero does something drastic and everything turns around. In real life things might actually turn out "bad." The point isn't how we see things as turning out, but how we see God when we're going through them and how we see God when it's over. If we come through trials and our view of God is no different than at the beginning, what was the point?

So, don't simply try to "make it through" the struggles in your life. Don't just sit back with a sulky attitude and expect God to turn the dark stormy night into a sunny day with butterflies and daffodils. Love your God more through the thunder and lightning. Love Him in the snowstorms. Grow closer to Him through the hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, etc. Everything that comes along, don't simply endure it--growing bitter each day. Embrace it! Use the opportunity to know your God better! Consider it a privilege that God lets you suffer for His sake. Don't waste any opportunity to show Christ's love and patience in your life. All things are working for our good, because all things give us opportunities to grow closer to Christ and show Him to the lost world. Everything good is from above, and everything is from God= everything we have is good and is from God. Nothing we go through is wasted unless we miss the chance to learn from it and to see our need of God. We need to need Him desperately, every minute of every day.

God isn't some exquisite chocolate that we only treat ourselves to on "special occasions" of need. He is the Living Bread, our basic necessary food for each day's "crisis." So, don't forget to eat.

Working and Waiting

2008-02-22T18:15:00.002-06:00

Most times when something is hard, whether you're sick or you're just overwhelmed with work what do people tell you? Wait on the Lord and you'll renew your strength. So, basically just do what you can do and let God handle what's left. But what about the Biblical mandate to work? Where is the line between working diligently as a faithful servant and leaning in His arms expecting Him to work it all out to His good? I don't know. I have heard both ways, or heard one way and seen another... I do know that God wants us to take good care of our "temples." This seems to have come up a lot recently in sermons and just conversations. With such a focus in this generation on self indulgence I'm not really surprised we have a hard time making ourselves work, but how do you end up having trouble stopping to rest? That's just kind of dumb, you'd think self-preservation would take over and make you stop, but no. Sometimes it takes your friends telling you to stop or slow down, sometimes it takes the form of something physical you just can't get around, other times it just takes God forcing you to stop and giving you a break whether you want it or not. I think it takes a balance, as Coach Wehry says, "God is a God of balance." He is not just a God of War or God of Peace, He is a God of balance. As such, He wants us to work hard, but still get plenty of rest, He wants us to eat well, but not to overindulge, He wants us to serve, but also to rest and get ministered to. It's all going back to Ecclesiastes -- there is a time for everything. So, I guess when you're sick it's time to rest. :(

What to do? What to study?

2008-02-20T20:20:00.002-06:00

What do you do when everything that seemed so set, disintegrates into dust and you have decisions to make that were already made? Do you stay the course just expecting things to work out in God's timing? Or do you take a chance and step out in faith expecting God to do a mighty work? Either could legitimately be followed in faith and either could be right. But which one? You obviously can't do both...something has to change, either you make it...or you don't. It's the time when you sink or swim...but which is it? At this point, I really don't know. I don't exactly know what to do, and I don't know what is going to happen if i do nothing. I know I need to trust God. I just want to see what He wants, or see what He's going to do. I want to be wholly in His will, and I know that if I'm in His will I will be content, but where is it leading? God has promised that He will never leave, nor forsake me, and I know that. I accept that. I embrace that. I still don't know what to do, except pray for wisdom, and ask everyone else to pray... :(

Holding On

2008-02-19T15:54:00.003-06:00

Going straight to the heart of my blog title--Holding On. This is something that I can appreciate especially since I have become a college student. Most days are that kind. You wake up thinking of all the things you must get done before the day ends and when the day is over and you can breathe again, you wonder how in the world it all got done and why your day was that long. I know there are a lot of nights I am in wonder and amazement that God kept me standing all day. Sometimes we do fall, but most days it's more a wonder why I don't. God is so good I wonder why this doesn't occur to us more often than just "sometimes." If it's really real to you, it occurs to you more than just when someone else brings it up. I just find myself distracted a lot by nonsense... It's sad really. I want to focus on my Savior. I always thought oh, well, in college life will be so much more simple. Yeah, there will be a lot more projects and classes and homework, but I'll actually focus on Christ and Him crucified and life will fall into place. Well, honestly, I still fight getting distracted by this present world, and college, even out in the northern woods, is no exception to this problem. I'm still fighting distraction even 40 miles from the nearest Walmart. It just shows that you can't blame your lack of focus on Christ to circumstances, because it can happen anywhere to anyone.

The truth is we just don't focus on Him. We could live in a monastery taking a vow of silence and spend all day meditating on God, and instead of enjoying the peaceful break from the world we would all be desperately trying to make up a sign language to communicate and trying to get signals on our cell phones no matter how far remote the mountaintop. What's wrong with this picture? Why are we so desperate for human communication yet so willing to go independent from communication with God? Communication with God should be so much more important to our basic survival than mere human conversation, but I would imagine many Christians have an easier time not praying all day than not talking to a single person all day.

Perhaps we should immerse ourselves in Christ to the extreme that we immerse ourselves in phone conversations, IMs, emails, letters, and plain face to face conversations. Isn't it just a little more important?? It's just a random thought...

Physical Infirmities

2008-02-15T22:25:00.003-06:00

I have heard a lot of sermons in the past year. In those sermons I hear a lot of preachers talk about praying for physical problems. I've always considered that a huge thing when praying for yourself and others, but most of the messages I've heard about prayer have to do with praying more for the spiritual needs and focusing less on the physical aspect of it. I know there is a great need for spiritual prayer requests, but I don't think physical requests should be ignored if that is what is really close to our hearts at the moment. Does God not care if my body feels like it's falling apart? Does God not care that somebody's in the hospital in a lot of pain? I don't think I've ever heard a pastor preach on praying more for physical ailments or needs, why? I think it's probably because as people our natural instinct would be to pray for physical needs. However, if we hear numerous sermons about praying less for physical and more for spiritual...How many people are going to feel ok praying for physical help? Sometimes, I just want to fall on my face before our Heavenly Father and cry out for physical strength, yes, I said it, physical help. Sometimes, ok a lot of the time, I can't do it physically, it just won't happen. Tonight is one night where spiritually I feel extremely encouraged from the day and the night. I heard some really good things in classes and chapel today, and God has really been encouraging me with subtle hints of His love all along the way, but physically I have felt so incredibly down. The most frustrating part is that I am not sick...or at least I don't think I've got what everybody else has. I hurt everywhere, and I have a really bad headache, and my back and shoulders are so tense, I don't even know why. I know it shouldn't be a big deal, but I really really want to just bring this to God and say, "Father, please fix me, or at least carry me so it won't hurt quite so much." What's wrong with that? There are not many instances of people in the Bible praying for physical healing, but they are there. Few as they may be, people in the Bible did pray for healing and/or physical strength, and God listened. I think anything that draws us to God whether for help or just for comfort, is a good thing. It's doing what we need...bringing us closer to Him. I tend to be a very independent person, and I think one of God's ways of keeping me entirely dependent on Him is to keep me hurting...as long as I'm hurting, I'm close to the source of my strength. My shepherd has to watch me because I'm very likely to wander off and get eaten or just to carry too much on me and crash after a bit. He knows what to do, to keep me humble and protected from myself. I kind of like that...protected from myself. God not only keeps us safe from evil men, ravenous animals, and evil forces, but He also protects us from ourselves...that is a full protection that nothing else compares with. :)

Heart of My Strength

2008-02-03T22:44:00.000-06:00

Well, I got off in such a rush the last post I forgot to put the words to a song I wrote over break on here. This came about through a number of differing experiences which led me to express them in one solid way...what better than a song? There is a piano part to it, but I have yet to record both together. So, here are the words at least.

Heart of My Strength
(c) 2008 ktg

Sometimes when I,

Get caught up in me.

Looking around,

The past is all I see.

That's when I fall,

My heart starts to melt.

I have no strength of my own.

No quiet hiding place.

When things look dark.

My faith begins to die.

(chorus)

But when I see,

The Father embracing me.

And when I know,

His love will not fail me,

His hands they will carry

My broken heart

My shattered dreams.

They play a part,

In bringing me, close

to the heart of my Strength.

I've tried to be strong

To keep up this fight

But nothing within me

Can last through this night.

Without any help

I'm bound to give in.

To all of my doubts and my fears.

I need a hiding place.

A haven of rest.

When all my strength is gone.

(chorus)

That's when I see,

The Father embracing me,

And when I know,

His love will not fail me,

His hands they will carry

My deepest grief,

My wounded soul,

They keep me there,

Making me stay close

to the heart of my Strength.

When I am weak,

That's when He is strong.

When I am hurting,

He gives me a song.

If I call for help,

He's there to sustain.

No matter how feeble I am,

His grace will carry me,

Over all that life brings,

My shelter in the storm.

(chorus)

Now I can see,

The Father embracing me.

And I know,

He never will hurt me,

Forsake me or leave me,

With a broken heart,

Or shattered dreams.

It's a place to start,

He's growing me, close,

To the Heart of my strength.

(ending)

No matter what happens,

Or where He will take me.

To greatest joys

The harshest pain,

He deems it for my good,

For me to stay, close

To the Heart of my strength.

He's the Heart of my strength.

How Do You Live?

2008-02-03T21:56:00.001-06:00

I am finding more and more that living takes a lot more energy and determination to live than it does to die. Dying for a cause doesn't take much of a long term commitment, it just takes five minutes of cold hard nerve. Then it's over. However, living a life fully committed everyday for 70 or 80 years absolutely blows my mind. I don't understand how people just keeping going for so long. I know it requires resting on the strength of our Father rather than the strength we think we hold within ourselves. I already know from my short experience that there is no lasting strength within me. It's blatantly obvious to me and everyone around me.

So enough about me, I want to focus on Him. I want to be able to sleep soundly in the knowledge that He is watching over me. He doesn't get tired or have to rest for a while. God is always and will always be available to "talk" or just be there. That's a comforting thought to me. I'm finding more and more that just "being" is more than a challenge for me. Being who I need to be everyday is something that requires strength. I don't have this strength. It's not within me, I can't just go find it somewhere. I have to depend on Christ. Or, to quote the Greek imperative third person Katie MUST depend on her Father. That is the story of not only every day but my every hour, every minute, every second. It doesn't stop on the weekends either.

Dreams...work of an overactive imagination or the subconscious working out its problems on its own? I don't really know, it might be both. All I know is when things get more stressful in real life, dreams go haywire. I also heard that I am starting to talk in my sleep. Something I haven't done in a really long time...that is definitely a bad sign. I have definitely seen a pattern between days when I'm facing bigger stuff or getting upset about something and nights when I have weird or just scary dreams. It's not like the migraines with no seeming connection to each other, unfortunately... :(

Father, I don't understand...I don't know what You want me to do about everything, except that You want me to run to You. I'm here, I'm desperate, and I should be here before it gets desperate, but I'm here now. I need YOU, I don't just want Your help, Your strength, Your peace, Your comfort, etc... I NEED YOU. And furthermore, I need to need You. I want to see Your hand in my life. I want to know the calming peace of knowing that You are in control of everything happening. I want to help others, but at this point I'm drained of power to help myself, I know I can't help myself, and I need You to help me and help others through me. That's all that is left...and THAT is where I leave it. :) Right at Your feet.

Healer of my Heart

2008-02-01T22:23:00.000-06:00

A good friend of mine recently shared these lyrics to a song with me. This song is so incredibly encouraging, it was exactly what I needed, I wanted to include it in my blog for encouragement of others and to remind myself of these words when my heart is weak and I'm faltering...like this week...

Healer of my Heart
sung by Huw Priday

God of Light, take away the dark of night

Fill me with Your pure delight, touch me with Your hand.

God of grace, flow into this lowly place,

Listen as Your children pray, take me as I am.

Refrain

Healer of my heart, Lover of my soul

Maker of the stars, the earth, the sky,

Come and make me whole

Savior of this world, my voice praises You alone

Healer of my heart, Lover of my Soul.

Emmanuel, lead me to deepest well

Where never-ending love prevails, drinking from Your cup

Prince of Peace, forever live inside of me,

Keeper of eternity, O Lord, revive me with Your touch

(Refrain)

Letting the Father work through me

2008-02-01T00:40:00.000-06:00

I am finding more and more as I grow in Christ, that the things I had so firmly set in my mind as a little kid are no longer quite so absolute. Now, first I must clarify, I'm not talking about hardened fast truth. I'm not starting to doubt the virgin birth, salvation, the trinity, or anything that's actually absolute truth from the Bible. I'm talking about truths I had always been taught right along with the absolute truths of the Bible, that actually turned out to be somebody's preference, or conviction. These are things I never fully understood, and in the end didn't agree with either. So, why was I following it for so long? And why were they teaching it to me like it was written directly in Scripture if it was their opinion?

I can't really say, but that had nothing to do with the purpose of this blog. That much was free. Anyway, onto the real intent. I want to write honestly and perhaps occasionally brutally honest entries directed towards God as prayers and other people struggling through similar circumstances as encouragement. This is not to condemn people or cause them to believe other than they already do. This is meant more as a comfort for people who know the truth, and just are having a hard time remembering it's true sometimes. It is true, by the way.

So what's been going on in life recently? What am I struggling with? Honestly, I feel like I have a lot on my plate right now. Maybe I'm just being wimpy and struggling with simple stuff, or maybe it's true, either way, I'm having a hard time trusting God to take care of me, which shouldn't be happening since God is all-powerful and all-loving.

Onto more specific items...

I found out this past Christmas break that the doctors have no idea why I'm getting migraines. They gave me a drug to prevent them and a separate drug to knock out a migraine if I got another one because the prevention treatment didn't quite work. I have to say, I'm disappointed. I'm glad that the results didn't indicate a brain aneurysm or rheumatoid arthritis...but at the same time, I'd really like an answer. At this point I could be on prescription drugs the rest of my life...I don't want to go there yet. As far as the migraines, I haven't had one recently, but I have felt sick and tired and very sore. This week has been officially bad about that. I don't know why, but it feels almost sudden in the fact that it's hurt a lot recently and I don't know how to fix it, because none of the drugs I've tried taking have worked on any of it.

Another thing going on is the fact that I just found out about Nikki Reed, a previous classmate of mine at FBCS, that I had not heard from in quite a while. She was killed a year ago. I found out she was beaten and strangled and her face was so disfigured that they had to ID her by her dental records and a clay facial reconstruction. She went through a lot of pain before dying. The sad part is that I'm wondering very intensely if she was saved. Just from what the articles I read on the event it sounds like she was into some very interesting stuff.

It's hard, extremely hard, to put something like this at arm's length. I didn't take a great interest in her when she was in school with me, and that I will probably regret for the rest of my life. That neglect will probably haunt me for quite a while. But it's ok, because God will stlil work through it for good. I just wish I could have done some thing helpful... until next time.